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What more do you want for me?”He fell silent at that and looked like he’d suffered a devastating setback. “Janice,” I said. “You’ve been awfully quiet through all of this,” I pointed out. “What are your thoughts?”She looked at her daughters and at Arthur and she shrugged. “I’ve been reading Jane’s diary since she started keeping it,” she said and made a soothing gesture to her suddenly irate daughter. “I wanted to make sure you weren’t getting into anything dangerous like drugs or sex that you weren’t talking to me about,” she told her. “Did I ever once use those pages to punish you for the things you wrote about doing behind our backs? No. It was a tool to keep you safe without smothering you.” She gave Jane a wry smile. “Ironically, your feelings about John were the thing you wrote about that made me most wary. Still, nothing ever happened between you two ... until this week. I’m not surprised. When you told me you were coming down here to spend Christmas with him and why, I knew. We couldhave been a couple, that guy and me, If I had been real. But I wasn'tthen. I am now.That was when I first had an inkling that I might not really be the manI thought I was.No. That is not right. I have never been that man.Now, looking back, it was like for the first twenty years of my life Iwas trapped in a gorilla suit. I thought that I was a gorilla. I beatmy chest and grunted, and dragged my knuckles along the ground, becausethat is what gorillas do. I never looked for the domes on the neck orthe zip in the back to take that damn suit off, because I was a gorilla.I thought I was. Everybody around me thought I was.That night was all it took. Once that I had found that I could take thesuit off, I never wanted to put it on again. I wanted to burn thatcursed gorilla suit on a bonfire and dance around that fire in femalenakedness.When you need to perform as a gorilla you can put the suit back on andmake gorilla noises, but you know you are not a gorilla. You can.
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